SAM

Samuel is my most precious and beloved son. He is my twin flame, the other half of my heart, my only child in this world. We are NOW but a single breath apart. This one breath places a realm between us that even with the connection we share is universes apart.  I believe it was Don Juan in the books by Carlos Castaneda who said regarding the loss of his son, he felt a devastation that was crushing. Even for those of us who walk with gifts of connection, this does not eradicate the anguish of losing a child. In some ways, it can be more excruciating.

How do I describe my son? He was and is such a beautiful and remarkable being. An old, old soul. He is light. He is love. He struggled here in many ways that paralleled my own. His heart is as big as the sun. Thus he felt too much at times and spoke with me often of the intensity of this world. With great gifts come great responsibility. Suffering can plant roots and become a shadow.

From a very young age, he carried the wisdom of the sages. He radiated presence and gentleness. When he was about 4 years old, I sat with him and asked him if he wanted to learn about the main chakra systems in the body and the colors and energetics they carry. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes and rattled off all of the colors of the chakras in rapid succession and in perfect order from root to crown. As I gazed at him with awe a love beyond description and asked him if he still wanted to meditate to which he replied, "Not really Momma. Can we just play instead?" My heart was overcome with the beauty of his being.

For all his life, I focused on surrounding his being with light. I had premonitions as he grew older he would not be here in his 20’s. This shook me to my core and filled me with unspeakable fear. He often struggled with how painful experiences in this world can be. His huge heart and deep caring for everyone seemed to increase anxiety he sometimes felt with how cruel people could be. This often overshadowed his trust. He used to ask me often, " Momma, How do you continue to walk with love?” I told him that if I let go of who I am then it is all for naught. We have choice over who we choose to be and how we carry ourselves.

When Sam was about 15, I took him to a morning teaching being given by a Tibetan Lama. I awoke with the feeling that he had to be there. During the break, the Lama, who had crutches due to a fracture across the top of his foot, slowly made his way through the room. He did not speak to anyone yet radiated love and kindness. As he passed my son, he stopped, turned and stepped backwards to face him. He stared at Sam for a moment before placing his hands on his shoulders and exclaiming," It is you! My dear old friend! How are you?! It is so wonderful to see you again! It has been a long time!" He shook Sam’s hand and smiled from ear to ear. Sam was blushing and responded with a muted, "I am good and you?" The lama laughed and said, " I am very well! Thank you my old friend!" He then turned to me and touched me and smiled as he asked how I was, an old recognition passing between us. It was a very powerful moment for my son in his understanding of the interconnectedness of all things.

There are those things we agree to as souls to walk through here that we do not remember when we incarnate. It is possible we would not agree to commit to some of them due to the pain we would have to endure. These moments can stop our hearts from beating. In fact, my own heart did stop beating a few days after “losing” my son from this world. The anguish was all encompassing. As I stopped breathing, I rose up out of my body and up towards the ceiling. As I approached the ceiling, a huge presence gently but firmly slowly pushed me back down towards and into my body as I heard and felt the word “NO”resounding all around me. As I re-entered my body, gasping in a huge breath as my heart started beating once more, I started sobbing. The weight of my body and despair that filled me felt insurmountable. It is, in fact, the process of feeling, being immersed in our human experience that makes up the foundation of our soul agreements here and where our growth originates from. It is a complicated network of dynamics that feed the direction and outcome of our lives here on Earth if we can endure and in time transform them. Easier said than done with some of them.

Why would I write such personal sharing on my website? A site which is about healing, trusting and Re-Connecting to one’s Path of the Heart? Because, this life is not all about “flowers and fairies” as my son used to tell me. It can be damned brutal and insanely difficult to navigate at times.

I have to take each breath as I am breathed knowing that I must continue my soul work for my son, with my son and for myself as a message of profound hope and healing. It is my path of heart. We do not die. We change form and are held within The Soul of the World which carries us all. The bond between my son and I is unbreakable,

SAM does NOT belong to me. I was the most honored vessel for his entry into this world. We have no ownership of anything. I am so blessed and gratified to be the mother of this most beloved being. I would not trade it for all of this world or the next, even with the heart break, void and emptiness without him physically here. I have learned how to chop wood and carry water in a new way within a new version of myself. We each have our own journey.

A Pilgrimage across parts of France and Spain in the Winter continued emptying me, opening channels through the silence, emptiness, loss and pain. Mantras repeated within over and over, step after step brought back my ability to hear and speak with my son. I was also able to see him at times. This gave me the strength to continue onward. He would give me messages that would unfold day after day after day.

There is a remarkable unfolding universally with all beings fulfilling their place within the giant woven tapestry. Bridging worlds to assist awakening and consciousness shift with others is part of my purpose here. My Quechua medicine name is The Fourth Jaguar: The bridge between worlds.

How remarkable and intense this journey has been. Sam is an angel of light and love, the other half of my being. He is my heart. He sends me birds, doves to lift my heart and Ravens when he is near.

While walking on the Earth, a profound message continued to come in over and over, very much like a mantra. What I heard was that my son's name, who he is, holds deeper significance.

SAM: Spirit Activated Metamorphosis which is exactly who he is and what he embodies. We are joined as soul partners upon The Path of The Heart.