SAM

Samuel is my most precious and beloved son. He is my twin flame, the other half of my heart, my only child in this world. We are NOW but a single breath apart. This one breath places a realm between us that even with the connection we share is universes apart.  I believe it was Don Juan in the books by Carlos Castaneda who said regarding the loss of his son, he felt a devastation that was crushing. Even for those of us who walk with gifts of connection, this does not eradicate the anguish of losing a child. In some ways, it can be more excruciating.

How do I describe my son? He was and is such a beautiful and remarkable being. An old, old soul. He is light. He is love. He struggled here in many ways that paralleled my own. His heart is as big as the sun. Thus he felt too much at times and spoke with me often of the intensity of this world. With great gifts come great responsibility. Suffering can plant roots and become a shadow.

From a very young age, he carried the wisdom of the sages. He radiated presence and gentleness. When he was about 4 years old, I sat with him and asked him if he wanted to learn about the main chakra systems in the body and the colors and energetics they carry. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes and rattled off all of the colors of the chakras in rapid succession and in perfect order from root to crown. As I gazed at him with awe and immense love, I asked him if he still wanted to meditate and he said, "Not really Momma. Can we just play instead?" My heart shook with the beauty of his being.

For all his life, I worked to guard his being with light. I had premonitions he would not be here into his 20’s. This shook me to my core. As he got older and struggled with how painful experiences in this world can be, I felt deeper concern. His heart and caring for everyone and his anxieties with how cruel people could be often overshadowed his self care and trust. He used to ask me often, " Momma, How do you continue to walk with love?” I told him if I let go of who I am then it is all for naught. We have choice over who we choose to be and how we carry ourselves.

When Sam was about 15, I took him to a morning teaching being given by a Tibetan Lama. I awoke with the feeling that he had to be there. During the break, the Lama, who had crutches due to a fracture across the top of his foot, slowly made his way through the room. He did not speak to anyone yet radiated love and kindness. As he passed my son, he stopped, turned and stepped backwards to face him. He stared at Sam for a moment before placing his hands on my son's shoulders and exclaiming," It is you! My dear old friend! How are you?! It is so wonderful to see you again! It has been a long time!" He held Sam’s shoulders and shook his hand and smiled from ear to ear. Sam was blushing and responded with a muted, "I am good and you?" The lama laughed and said, " I am very well! Thank you my old friend!" He then turned to me and touched me and smiled as we recognized one another as well. It was a very powerful moment and afterwards I said," Thank you for listening to me baby. Do you understand now that this was a profound message and gift?" He was so amazed, he just hugged me while saying that he had not known what to say to the Lama. I hoped deeply in my heart that this experience would help my son know he was precious, an old soul indeed.

There are those things we agree to as souls to walk through here that we do not remember when we incarnate. It is possible we would not agree to commit to some of them due to the pain we would have to endure. These moments can stop our hearts from beating. In fact, my own heart did stop beating a few days after “losing” my son from this world. The anguish was suffocating. As I stopped breathing, I rose up out of my body and up towards the ceiling. As I approached the ceiling, a huge presence gently but firmly slowly pushed me back down towards and into my body as I heard and felt the word "NO". As I re-entered my body, gasping in a huge breath. I started sobbing as the weight of my body and despair in my heart felt insurmountable. It is, in fact, the process of feeling, being immersed in our human experience and process that makes up the foundation of our soul agreements here and where our growth originates from. It is a complicated network of dynamics that feed the direction and outcome of our lives here on Earth if we can endure and in time transform them.

On top of all that was crushing me, I had to help my son to cross over. This was unbearable. He came in shortly after leaving this world, scared and very confused trying to get back to me. Writing these words is almost too difficult to do. It was an experience that I am both deeply grateful for and which simultaneously fractured me having to not only loose my baby but also throw him into the light. ensuring he was safely where he needed to be. Our bond as souls is absolute.

Again, Why would I write such personal sharing on my website? A site which is about healing and trusting and Re-Connecting to one’s Path of the Heart? Because, this life is not all about “flowers and fairies” as my son used to tell me. It can be damned brutal and insanely difficult to navigate at times.

I have to take each breath as I am breathed knowing that I must continue my soul work for my son, with my son and for myself as a message of hope and healing. It is my path of heart. We do not die. We change form and are held within The Soul of the World which carries us all.

SAM does NOT belong to me as MY son. I am the most honored vessel for his entry into this world. We have no ownership of anything. I am so blessed and gratified to be the mother of this most beloved being. I would not trade it for all of this world or the next, even with the heart break, void and deeper understanding I now carry within me. We each have our own journey.

Even though I was in unending sorrow, my Pilgrimage across parts of France and Spain continued emptying me, opening channels for me to hear what mantras to repeat over and over, step after step. With this came my ability to hear and speak with my son. I was also able to see him at times. This kept me going. He would give me messages that would unfold day after day.

There is a remarkable unfolding universally with all beings fulfilling their place within the giant woven tapestry. This next chapter of my life here involves working with my son in joining the worlds by helping shift belief systems, patterns, blockages and opening deeper levels of awareness. Bridging worlds to assist awakening and consciousness shift. My Quechua medicine name is The Fourth Jaguar: The bridge between worlds.

There is great mystery holding the sacredness of Divine intention and unfolding.

Before I became pregnant with my son, I awoke one night from one of the most blessed sacred encounters of my life. I had been inside of The Soul of The World. I do not know how else to express this. I was shown this beautiful baby, my pregnancy which was to be coming in the near future laced with many hardships, including a very challenging birth and so on... I woke my husband and shared all that I had been shown. Needless to say, all unfolded exactly as had been shared with me, including his name: Samuel. I continued to hear this name whispered in my ear throughout my pregnancy and when I researched the meaning, I felt weak in my knees. “A child of God” and “Parent’s wishes for a child.”

How remarkable this journey has been and continues to be. Sam is an angel of light and love, the other half of my heart. He sends me birds, Doves to lift my heart and Ravens when he is near.

While walking on the Earth, a profound message continued to come in over and over, very much like a mantra. What I heard was that my son's name, who he is, holds deeper significance.

SAM: Spirit Activated Metamorphosis which is exactly who he is and what he embodies. We are working together as soul partners upon The Path of The Heart.